The First Step

I made the announcement this week at work that beginning in May I will cut back on my work hours and responsibilities. No jaws dropped, no one even seemed interested. No questions were asked, not even a comment later. I expected more, maybe an envious shrug or "Wow. I wish I could do that." But work, for now, goes on as usual. Some days it seems pointless, and yet it's still all I know. I have muddled around so long in this work behavior that it IS normal for me and I anticipate that it will be a while before I experience a sense of clarity in who I really am.

I talk about wanting to cleanse my body of food toxins, of alcohol and sugars. Just as important is a cleansing of the toxins that come from deadlines and must-dos and a feeling of no control.

I'm ready to get started.

Movie Magic

It seems like I go weeks, even months, without seeing a movie and then it's as if I can't get enough. This happens every year about Oscar time. What a coincidence.

Although I haven't seen Milk, my vote at this moment for best actor is Mickey Rourke for The Wrestler. He IS the wrestler. It's a very sad story in many ways and when my daughter asked if it was a true story, I told her that "No, it's not based on a real person but it's a true story for more people than we want to admit."

For best actress, today I'm drawn to Anne Hathaway-- haven't seen Revolutionary Road and Kate Winslet will probably win best supporting for The Reader. I'm actually surprised that she is being recognized for The Reader -- I'd read that they'd pass over that because of the sexuality. Good movie; better book.

Best Movie? I loved Slumdog. It was such a surprise and even with the poverty and tragedies, it ended upbeat. But then Benjamin Button -- wow -- I keep thinking about it -- Haven't seen Milk. If I were voting though, I'd probably vote Slumdog if for no other reason than everyone seems to be so taken with it.

Absence

I haven't blogged for a while, and though I like to reference my "blogging without obligation" icon, if I'm honest, I know it's because the things on my mind have been things I also wanted to keep quiet. It's very stifling trying to hide things from others. Hiding things from ourselves is just as stifling.

I've been saying lately that I want 30 days to reacquaint myself with myself. I don't really know what this means, but I keep remembering a gimmick phrase for intimacy -- in-to-me-see. This is what I feel like I need right now. Some time with no expectations, no demands, no "I should be"s -- to rediscover who I am.

I feel guilty and shallow in some regard even thinking about this. My friend, whose husband suffered the brain injury, is practically held hostage as he heals. Not able to get out for simple pleasures without making arrangements and plans. Her spontanaeity is certainly stifled. I guess it doesn't really matter what stifles us, it all feels the same if we let it.

Inauguration Day

January 20, 2009. The end of an error. What an emotional day. Pull yourself up. Dust yourself off. Get to work America. I like it.

De-Cluttering

It's about this time of year when I start adding Christmas decorations to the house that I start getting claustrophobic. There's cozy and then there's closed in. I look around and start seeing all the things I could do without. A perfect time to get that white elephant gift wrapped!

In the guest bedroom closet, for example, I store things that I rotate: vases, sofa pillows, little lamps, decorative items, etc. Then there's this collection of things I don't really use anymore. Like brass candlesticks that I used to put out at Christmas but don't any more. There's a Santa Fe style snake cribbage board; framed pieces that don't fit any place, paper flowers, gifts we've received and feel compelled to keep, wine glasses that don't have a home in the kitchen, an extra ice bucket, all the gift bags that I have saved, an extra comforter and shams, a weight bench for ladies (barely used), a bread machine. I don't need to itemize everything. I've convinced myself I need to take a serious look at that closet.

How could I have doubted Martha?

Gravy with bourbon AND white wine in it? I almost didn't try it but it was in Martha's Thanksgiving menu and I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking she wouldn't steer you wrong on Thanksgiving ... and you know what? It worked. It was so good that I'll keep the recipe and put it in my holiday best. The dressing I wrote about yesterday fully met expectations. And the sweet potato/cranberry casserole that my sister brought was such a WOW dish -- that little tart burst of the fresh cranberry amongst the sweet potatoes. I'm writing myself into leftovers tonight.

Our going around the table and saying what we were thankful for was so heartfelt and quite emotional actually. Everyone participated and it was such a joyous day. It's one that I will be glad to have linger in my memory.

Le Menu

Thanksgiving Day. I'm trying Martha Stewart's pecan cornbread dressing this year. I even made her buttermilk cornbread yesterday so I could give the recipe the true test. And to top it all off, I used real buttermilk rather than making my own with lemon juice or vinegar in regular milk. Talk about going all out. The dressing is supposed to be fab -- we'll see. With the anticipation of all the starches today, I'm already starting to feel comatose. The menu for today is turkey & dressing, ham, mashed potatoes & gravy, a sweet potato/cranberry dish, green beans, my famous green jello, and a spinach salad. For dessert we have pumpkin pie and apple pie.

I woke up early this morning and made placecards for the table, made some pumpkin bread and a pot of delish coffee. We've been on a coffee search lately and actually our problem may be solved. Tom picked out this coffee yesterday at Starbucks. It's Ethopia Sidamo. A year ago I bought a Cuisinart coffee maker that grinds the beans and drips into a carafe. I did this thinking it would take the guesswork out of the coffee experience and we'd be able to get a consistent pot every day. It just hasn't happened. We've tried using ground coffee, tried grinding for 10 but using 8 waters, tried a variety of beans -- but here's the thing -- we've been buying beans from Sam's. I think that's the problem. The coffee this morning is soooo good. And I needed a good cup of coffee. I'll add a good cup of coffee to my list of things I'm grateful for.

Speaking of being grateful and thankful, I saw a sign on a church yesterday that said something like "When you pause to think, pause to thank." And when I do pause, my list of things to be thankful for is very long. Health, family, friends top the list and little things like a good cup of coffee, seeing a sunrise, and fresh air make me know that today is going to be a great one. Happy Turkey.

Bump:)